At Podshow I had to take a required state course to understand sexual harassment. It turns out that just about anything is sexual harassment if you want it to be. Thus I’m reminded of the August 1987 column I wrote about the Sexually harassed male! In hindsight I believe that this episode was a weak protest that is now lost to history.

Women Are Sexually Harassing the Men

I was stunned by the headline in USA Today, MEN: WE’RE SEXUALLY HARASSED, TOO.

According to a readers survey conducted by Men’s Health magazine over half the male workers in the country have been sexually harassed by female employees. A third of all men polled think that this should be reported to the authorities. 49% of those surveyed say there are women in their offices whose dress is “pointedly provocative.”

Provocative? What is this supposed to mean? Low cut top? Tight skirts? No underwear!? Are these guys preoccupied or what?

Furthermore, 57% of those surveyed said they were sexually propositioned at work! Complainers say this is terrible. The bigger question is: Where the heck is this place? The survey then says that because of all this, half of the male employees are walking around having sexual fantasies all the time. Poor guys.

Perhaps too many of today’s office workers are wimps, plain and simple. What ever happened to the tough blue collar worker — the backbone of America? He’s the one who raised the kid who wears a red power tie, Brooks Brothers suit and who works in an office. A baby boom of paper pushers — you can’t live with them and you can’t live without them. They won’t let you. Now these desk jockeys are distracted by the clinging dress and high heels. It has to stop lest the bureaucracy come to a grinding (no pun intended) halt.

What we need is simple: A new dress code for women in the workplace. Here’s the Dvorak Dress Code for the Office:

1) Women have to be dumpy and dowdy at all times. On the legs should be worn thick support hose and jogging shoes. The jogging shoes should be some gosh awful color. If possible and if the weather permits a turtle neck sweater is the preferred upper torso garment. It should never be cleaned and it’s better if it has a lot of little sweater balls all over it. A man’s tie should be worn over the top of the turtleneck.

2) Ill-fitting sweatpants are the preferred lower torso garment. If that’s not possible or desired then the female should go to the boys section of J.C. Penny and buy dumpy male clothes.

3) Glasses must always be worn. My recommendation is that women wear those wire frame models that are too small for their heads.

4) Hair should seldom be washed. Never brush it either. Note that the ideal way to hold back longish hair is to tuck chunks of it back behind the ear so the ear sticks out.

5) Avoid using any make-up, ever. If you use make up then use too much make-up. Think Tammy Faye Bakker.

These tips should minimize any possible complaints of sexual harassment targeted at the female employee. Think of it as a positive career move.

By the way, don’t waste too much time implementing these tips. Go to Berkeley and you’ll see the smart gals are already using most of these techniques.

—end

©1987, John C. Dvorak