It’s the 30+ year olds, back in mommy and daddy’s house, that you have to watch out for.
NOT under my roof. That’s the attitude most American parents have toward teenagers and their sex lives. Squeamishness and concern describe most parents’ approach to their offspring’s carnality. We don’t want them doing it — whatever “it” is! — in our homes. Not surprisingly, teenage sex is a source of conflict in many American families.
Would Americans increase peace in family life and strengthen family bonds if they adopted more accepting attitudes about sex and what’s allowable under the family roof? I’ve interviewed 130 people, all white, middle class and not particularly religious, as part of a study of teenage sex and family life here and in the Netherlands. My look into cultural differences suggests family life might be much improved, for all, if Americans had more open ideas about teenage sex. The question of who sleeps where when a teenager brings a boyfriend or girlfriend home for the night fits within the larger world of culturally divergent ideas about teenage sex, lust and capacity for love.
Most teenagers lack the emotional and financial capacity to handle the consequences that come with sex, which is reason enough to discourage it, even if it is unrealistic that they will completely live up to mommy and daddy’s fantasy that they are pure little angels.
SL==Not to quibble, but Delete “most” or change teenagers to people.
The problem I have with teenagers having sex is really not the emotional capacity because you tend to build emotional capacity for having sex by having sex. The problem is the teenagers of crappy parents who have not educated the teenager, took zero preventive measures, and basically leave thier child to face a potentially life changing and sometimes even life ruining event completely umprepared.
Sex is a VERY VERY important and primary part of life. You should be comfortable with it. You should get good at it. You should be prepared and educated for it. Your teenager should be prepared and educated for it as well. This doesnt mean push or urge them to do it, but make sure they COMPLETELY understand the risks involved, make sure they are fully trained in preventive measures, and make sure they have preventive measures available.
No matter who you are, if you have a teenager, they have either already had sex, or will have sex soon. The absolute worst failure you could do to your teenager is leave them completely unprepared and let them potentially ruin thier life, or ruin someone else’s life.
Well I didn’t want to be accused of throwing around absolutes :-p
Just teach abstinence. They’ll be better off for it.
Is there anything we do in this country that is not done better in another country?
We have so much to learn.
Nextli–yes. America does quite a lot quite excellently. You I assume are spinning some anti-american position? What do you want, some more foreign aid? Heh, heh.
Fact is, the family of Nations can all learn from one another borrowing what each does well and adapting it for their own use.
silly to think anything else, as even when serious, I’m sure you do.
Just let them learn about sex from an endocrinology and STD manual.
My father had “the talk” with me back when I was a kid and left “the book” lying around where I could consult it at my leisure.
Worked for me. (No STDs for me. YUCK!)
Now I’m 57 years old and never had a kid through two wives (okay the second one has gone through menopause so the point is now moot…) and about 50 girlfriends, (I was a very randy and skillful li’l fucker. [You definitely didn’t want your daughter’s alone with me. {And maybe not even your wife.}])
I’ve had a varied and illustrious career in the sack (and out of it…) Its not tough when girls hand you off to their friends after an exhausting week with the instructions to the next recipient: Watch out for his hands, he a guitarist, and good a it too….
I reworked the copy so that it’s closer to the truth.
NOT under my roof. That’s the attitude most American teenagers have toward parents and their sex lives. Squeamishness and concern describe most teenagers’ approach to their parent’s carnality. We don’t want them doing it — whatever “it” is! — in our homes. Not surprisingly, parental sex is a source of conflict in many American families.
You’re so smooth Keith Stone. Why am I thinking of Air Guitar Hero?
I think we should revive the tradition of Bundling.
Over here on this side of the pond, it’s all about what Jeebus approves of & what he don’t. So a Dutch kind of liberation here, where kids explore sex in a relaxed manner, relatively free of guilt, is decades away. Way to go Jeebus!
I wish I had Dutch parents, when I was a teenager. That’s all I’m saying.
Here in Denmark we have a relatively relaxed attitude to sex. Age of consent is 15 years here and I have not heard of someone who are not ok with it.
It is never easy for parents to discuss sex with their children, it’s not easy for children to hear their parents talk about it. But it gets done! And then there’s sex education in schools, good education in our schools.
But what matters most, I think, is the open relationship our society have to sex in general.This makes it okay to ask and talk to an adult or a friends about sex and the young need not be afraid of being condemned.
If ever you needed a reason for teenagers not to have sex, I have four words for you “The Maury Povich Show”. Watch it sometime.
#17 and thats the tip of the iceberg
man its sad to see such an extreme
Who gives a f@ck?
🙂
OK here we go again.
#17 what you see is poor education not anything to do with Sex. Your argument is a great one for better education in the US.
#7 Do you not like sex? At some point they will try it is natural and what we are made for… Far better they know what to do instead of being told NO!
The US is screwed because it refuses to educate people and instead tries to legislate them. 95% of all problems in the US could be solved by much better education and think of the money saved in legislation…
In #17, BigBoyBC said: …The Maury Povich Show…
Man if I had that job I’d grab a bar of soap, a razor blade and slit a # in my wrists.
The trailer trash that goes through those doors is truly depressing to watch.
Needless to say I don’t watch it except when there nothing else on and I’m away from my computer, on a trip or something.
Its depressing as Hell.
#20, I think it is better for people, especially women, to have sex in marriage. If it’s too much of a problem, marry the kids off younger.
#22, Hmm so better to commit yourself to someone for life before you even know if you are sexually compatible.
Part of the growing and learning process I think is by being able to sample what is out there in order to help find yourself and what it is you like and enjoy. If you are both open and willing to experiment and take the trip together then sure it can work but I fear that the people who can do this are few and far between.
Frankly, I do not understand why there is a debate about it. To me, the whole issue is crystal clear.
Which of the following two options do you prefer?
a) Your 16 year old daughter having protected sex in your house with her boyfriend whom you met (and therefore you know that he is not a sleazeball)
b) Your 16 year old daughter having sex in the back seat of a car with someone who you know nothing about, who might push her to do drugs / rape her / leave her pregnant
Ignore discomfort and obsolete mores; which of the two is the SAFEST option?
(and yes, I am European and not even from a particularly permissive country at that)
#7 – Normally I agree with you but not here. Abstinence somethmes happens, but it should never be voluntary. Our society would be better off if virgins were not allowed to vote.
when my teenagers hit the age of sexual maturity, I left a big bowl of condoms in the bathroom for both them and their friends. Fortunately mine had two baby sisters which made them very aware of the consequences of pregnancy. They are also aren’t dumb or psycho, which helps. If you want your kids to be smart, you have to start by treating them like intelligent human beings. Part of that is recognising that, after a certain age, they will get horny and decide when they want to have sex, and there is nothing wrong with that. Personally, I’d rather they had sex in the comfort of their own home (near the condom bowl in the bathroom) with someone they know and love, than some stranger in the woods or in the hallway of some house party, but every family has to decide what they are comfortable with.
MikeN said ” I think it is better for people, especially women..”
Thanks, for that reminder. I forgot women are people. Strangely I thought they were parrots.
“If it’s too much of a problem, marry the kids off younger.”
OK, I didn’t do my job as a parent. I’ll let the courts sort this out. Then I’ll complain about the divorce rate.
#26, Condoms carry somewhere around a 15% failure rate (just pulled it from some women’s health website). So even if you use the cost of a pregnacy to calculate a very basic expected cost value of ($ having a baby * probability of condom failure), it’s going to be far greater than what some 16 year old kid can afford. Encouraging sexual activity in minors is far from being responsible; and that has nothing to do with the question of moral repression.
Sea Lawyer, talking to kids about “no duh” stuff like failure rates of condoms or sexually transmitted disease rates isn’t going to do much. They know about all that stuff far younger than I did.
What works is being very, very frank about access to options including a visit to the family doctor when they’re teenagers to factually talk about real world options. No classroom bullshit. Real facts. Real decisions.
The more important and ongoing conversation that happens is about the emotional and personal sides of sex. It is a huge commitment to be intimately involved with someone and that resonates with teenagers. Using media examples also resonates. For example, talking openly and humorously about the hell characters in Sex and the City went through works better than failure rates of condoms.
Just the record, I hated Sex and the City. But if it works, it works.
Lastly, enjoying and working hard on your own marriage is best strategy you have.
Lesbian sex is the answer to teenage pregnancy.
#30 I don’t consider what amounts to foreplay as sex.
Um, Angel, what about gay males? Not too many pregnancies there either.
Look folks. It’s as simple as this. Kids are gonna fuck, whether you like it or not, whether you know about it or not, whether they do it safely or not, and whether you are a helpless prude or not.
Get over it. Get over your hang ups. Get over your anger at the kids, who, again, will fuck regardless. You don’t really have to approve, but if you want what’s best for your kids, you might just make an effort to see that who and when and where they fuck is at least relatively safe. No, you don’t have to have a bowl of condoms in the bathroom. Slip a few onto their dresser when they’re not home with a note to “be careful” and don’t scare them underground is all. Look the other way if you must, but remember, you can’t stop them. You can only reduce the chance of them getting hurt or sick or in trouble.
You know what you just might end up with otherwise? Arthur Wienner. Larry Craig.