This is what will happen for all pets registered with us immediately after the Rapture:

1. Our non-Christian administrators will activate our rescue plan.
2. Volunteers will be alerted immediately by email and telephone that they have been activated.
3. Pets will be assigned to our Volunteer Pet Caretakers based upon location and other factors.
4. Our administrators and Volunteer Pet Caretakers will do whatever it takes to find and rescue your pets. If your pet has a location chip, they’ll use that, or they’ll go to every location you’ve registered with us, and, if your pets are not at one of those locations, they’ll search for your cars as well as stay in contact with the local pet shelters. If they are unable to reach a Volunteer Caretaker in your area for whatever reason, our administrators will communicate with local animal organizations, like the Humane Society, to advocate for your pet’s rescue and care.
5. Our administrators will stay in touch with our Volunteer Pet Caretakers regarding each and every pet to be sure everything is being done to rescue and care for them.

Think about it, do you really want to trust a bunch of godless Liberals to raise your precious pup?




  1. Gary, the dangerous infidel says:

    God’s love for His children? This “love” is also a premise without support. Remember, this is the same god who killed innocent children in Egypt for the purpose of bringing misery and grief to the families who loved them so dearly. The moms, dads, and little siblings of the firstborn male children that God killed were crying out with the deepest emotional pain one can possibly know, because of this god of “love.”

    Anyone who trusts such a god is a freakin’ idiot, and I submit “Taxed Enough Already Dude” as Exhibit A.

  2. agp says:

    Applying logic to religion? are you guys drunk?

  3. Gary, the dangerous infidel says:

    #4 wrote “As for the Egyptian parents, they were deserving, they resisted the evident will of God.”

    Whatever your beliefs are concerning the eternal fate of the children god killed, the fact is that their families were the real target of the attack — that’s how terrorism works. These families attacked included all living Egyptian generations who loved those children killed by God.

    Anyone who believes that ALL the parents in Egypt were deserving of having their child killed is an idiot. The decision whether to let the Israelites leave Egypt rested with one man only — the Pharaoh, or King. Even if you believe that other Egyptians were complicit or sympathetic to his decision, it is irrational beyond comprehension to believe that everyone in the kingdom deserved to be punished so viciously as to have a child in their family killed. Many of the Egyptians had absolutely nothing to do with, and probably even no knowledge of, the situation with the Israelites, much less the ability to resolve it favorably.

    Anyone who believes that the innocent siblings of the children killed were in any way deserving of this intentionally inflicted emotional pain is also an idiot. Your god’s attack on these siblings was not an act of love, but one of deep hatred for Egyptian children.

    Of course, this all assumes the Bible is completely true, which sane people know is a faulty premise. But one doesn’t even have to dispute the veracity of the Bible to see how hateful and unjust the god it depicts really is, and the people who TRUST this god to keep promises that he allegedly made are idiots. Just ask the Egyptians…

    Post-rapture Pet Caretaking is a much lesser scam than what is perpetrated by the Jews, Christians, and Muslims who urge you to place your faith in the god of Abraham and Moses.

  4. sargasso_c says:

    Those wacky, baptistarians.

  5. admfubar says:

    there needs to be a 12 step process for this religion thing… it really has a lot of people addicted.

  6. Micromike says:

    How can anybody be stupid enough to believe this tripe, let alone waste time debating it. It is a fucking fairy tail invented thousands of years ago to enslave humans to work for the church.

    On the other hand I would be happy to accept a few hundred dollars in exchange for a heart felt and totally sincere promise to take care of your pets afterwards.

  7. Buzz Mega says:

    For just $666 per pet, we will insure their continued survival until the end of days (in pet days).

  8. Animby says:

    Mr McCullough:
    Earlier today Mr Hopper started my day off with a good laugh.

    Now, just before my SE Asian bedtime (it’s 0139 Monday as I write this), you have given me a good night guffaw.

    I couldn’t spoil my good humor by reading Alfie’s posts. Geez, get a sense of humor, Alf!

  9. Yankinwaoz says:

    Volunteers? My ass. They should charge for this insurance. Hell, sign me up. Pay me $100 a year in a contract that I’ll take care of your pet in the event of the rapture.

    So…. do the “volunteers”, the people left behind, have to prove that they won’t be sucked up the heaven too? Do you have to demonstrate that you are evil, or of a different faith that “God” doesn’t recognize.

  10. God, Allah, and other deities says:

    TEA Dude, Gary is correct. I used to be a psychopath, but then I saw the light of myself as my son Jesus, and I am a born again deity.

    I should set you straight on a few things, since you have completely misunderstood the Bible. Heaven is actually the heavens, and the heavens is actually My universe and everything in it, and I am He who must be named.

    I’m an energy neutral deity. When any living thing dies, it is reabsorbed into the heavens and your “God particles” are recycled. All that lives will go to the heavens. The Fidos and Fifis, rice and dates, pharaohs and beggars from past eons are in the food you eat, the air you breathe, and the shit you shat. You will all be together in the end… mixed together that is.

  11. Benjamin says:

    Ridicules. How will I insure that this group keeps my pet safe and well fed through war, famine, and death; earthquakes, natural disasters, hail, and fire; a third of the rivers and oceans destroyed, and the third of the sky darkened, a plaque of locust ( unless my pets are locusts, which is unlikely ), the death of one third of all humans on the Earth.

    What happens if these people caring for my pet develop foul and loathsome sores? How are they doing to give my pets water when it has all turned to blood? Aren’t there going to be too many things going on for these people to care for my pet?

    I can get out of work if it snows six inches? Locust plagues alone would excuse any of these people if they chose to not care for my pet. Therefore, this is a scam, unless they bill immediately after the Rapture. Somehow I think they are billing beforehand.

  12. Gary, the dangerous infidel says:

    Speaking of the original passover ritual, #9 wrote “Pharaoh gave no command not to do this, the Egyptians could have, if they chose.”

    Wrong! This is more evidence that you stray from the text that you claim to hold so dear. The scripture specifically says that the intended target was the Egyptians (see below), and nothing suggests that Pharaoh or other Egyptians were told how the plague of death could be avoided (except by letting the Israelites leave), so your claim is thoroughly unscriptural. They couldn’t do what they couldn’t know to do. Moses gave the Israelites instructions for a specific ritualistic animal slaughter and preparation method, with the animal to be eaten in a specific manner. There’s no scriptural record that this information was disseminated outside the Israelite community.

    Question: Who spread the word to every Egyptian family throughout the land that the Creator of the Universe would be killing their firstborn male child if they did not kill an animal in a specific manner and sprinkle its blood on their doorpost?

    Answer: No one did this. It was a well-kept Israelite secret. Egypt had no oracles capable of intercepting God’s telepathic messages to Moses.

    “(21) Then Moses called for all the elders of Israel and said to them, “Pick out and take lambs for yourselves according to your families, and kill the Passover lamb. (22) And you shall take a bunch of hyssop, dip it in the blood that is in the basin, and strike the lintel and the two doorposts with the blood that is in the basin. And none of you shall go out of the door of his house until morning. (23) For the LORD will pass through to strike the Egyptians; and when He sees the blood on the lintel and on the two doorposts, the LORD will pass over the door and not allow the destroyer to come into your houses to strike you.”
    –(Exodus 12:21-23, NKJV)

  13. LotsaLuck says:

    As I understand it, things are supposed to get realllllllly nasty after the Rapture, with plagues and famines and wars and such.

    Don’t imagine some atheist ‘caretaker’ is gonna care a hill of beans about your pooch…

  14. Floyd says:

    To TARD: (Taxed Enough Already Dude) “There are clear refutations of Progressivism, particularly its founding premise, that you will work for others as well as you will yourself and your own family.”

    What have you been smoking?

    Most people in this country have been working honestly for and with others for a long time. That’s what happens in those large buildings you see in most cities and towns, not to mention farms. The rare exception to the rule is when someone steals from their employer.

  15. Elvis On Velvet says:

    After The Rapture Pet Care’s motto “There’s one born every minute”

    Enough Already Dude’s hero Aquinas reasoned animals don’t have souls. Sorry Alf your dogs going down!.

    oh wait you have sinned way to much in thought and word on this very site to ever achieve salvation yourself see-ya at the dog-park after all those shepherds are raptured

  16. t0llyb0ng says:

    Thank you, this whole story is uproariously funny to me, especially the overpriced “After the Rapture Pet Gear.” I especially love the t-shirts with the image of semi-clothed peeps being wafted upward toward the heavens, their pets looking on in wonderment. The Onion couldn’t have done it better.

  17. Gary, the dangerous infidel says:

    Even with this post-rapture pet care business, a lot of pets will be on their own. For at least a month or two after the Rapture, be sure to choose the restaurants where you eat very carefully.

    Enough said 😉

  18. Elvis On Velvet says:

    # 30 REPOST< REPEAT.. ok
    i’ll change that to
    #31
    Enough Already Dude
    “There’s one born again every minute”

  19. So what says:

    Wait a second, the bible has contradictory statements???? Next thing you know some one will say its fictional, or open to interpretation. Oh that’s right it is.

  20. deowll says:

    Why not trust the PETA crowd to raise a pup or cat?

    I’m glad most of them have decided not to have many or even no children.

  21. Azure Twine says:

    Well in the bible, “The Church” means the Catholic Church. Saint Francis will make sure that all of your pets will be saved along with you as he is the protector of animals.

    Also, the Catholics have never advocated the punishment of innocents. Animals and newborns fall into this category so they would be “saved” in the rapture along with people who truly believe in God. Remember this is the old testament we are talking about here.

    Also, each religion would be experiencing their own rapture so it seems to me that only those so-called “Christians” really have to worry about their pets and the only people left to care for them will be the completely godless/failthless/non-spiritual among us. Which in reality is really not that many people.

  22. Special Ed says:

    Will Rogers stated, “if there are no dogs in heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went.”

    I can’t believe some dick head above is quoting the bible, why not just read to us from Cat in the Hat?

  23. dadeo says:

    Think about it, do you really want to trust a bunch of godless Liberals to raise your precious pup?

    The way it reads to e they don’t have to do much more than call the area shelters…even they can handle a phone.

  24. These assholes can’t leave fast enough for me.

  25. Gary, the dangerous infidel says:

    #31, Through all your verbiage intended to distract and obscure, you still haven’t quoted anything from Holy Scripture that remotely supports your position that Egyptian families knew the specific means by which they could save their children from God’s hateful hand of death, but that they chose not to do so (you said “the Egyptians could have, if they chose.”). Show me that scripture! The supposed context that you claim teaches something important doesn’t even hint that they knew about blood on the doorpost to save their children. Moses specifically gave that information to the Israelites, and nothing suggests that he gave the secret to any Egyptians, or that it even would have helped them.

    Egypt was a big country, and your claim that “this was the ONLY item being discussed, by all” is so patently ridiculous that I’m surprised when even the looniest Christians make it, except that it’s necessary to support the false notion of fairness and justice in your god. You want to make the point that Egyptians had a chance to save their precious children, but REBELLED, and they and their families suffered consequences that they deserved to suffer! What a freakin’ idiot you are.

    According to the myth that is written down (and not floating around in your head), one Pharaoh made decisions that resulted in the deaths of many thousands of innocent children, and those families had no means or knowledge to save them.

    In your attempt to distract, you also made a false claim about what I wrote, to wit: “Verse 23 of Ex 12:21ff expressly contradicts your claim this applies ONLY to Egyptians.”

    I never said it applied ONLY to Egyptians, but that they were the intended target, which the scripture clearly shows (“For the LORD will pass through to strike the Egyptians”). I never claimed that God wouldn’t kill Israelite children as well. It’s clear that he harbors enough hatefulness to accommodate any number of innocent victims.

    The Biblical notion of group guilt never plays well in harmony with the concept of justice, especially when it results in such tragic consequences for people who couldn’t possibly have deserved the fate that the Bible says they suffered. The Pharaoh made a decision that resulted in vicious punishment for many people who couldn’t possibly have overridden his decision not to let the Israelites leave. Use your brain.

    And in all the years I spent in church, I never once witnessed a single Christian shed a tear for the innocent siblings of the children whom your god killed that passover night. That tells me something important about Christians. Those little boys and girls lost their big brother that night, and they must have bawled their eyes out for many days in their grief.

    It’s incredible to me that anyone can see killing children as the act of a just and loving god, but we just have to write it off to that special brand of insanity known as “religion.”

  26. Hyph3n says:

    Not what I expected on the Dvorak blog.

    I once had a conversation with a born again Christian who thought people would be reunited with their dogs in Heaven. When I asked how, because I thought the Bible said animals did not have souls, he said God would make them new ones. So, there you go…

    If Fido does make it to Heaven, you better pick up the poop off God’s lawn. I here neighbor association doesn’t take kindly to that kind of thing. And no Hanukah decorations.

  27. msbpodcast says:

    oh shit! this in the most heavily commented on thread in a while. Do you know how stupid you all sound? Fuck…

  28. So what says:

    48 Podcast, its a nonsensical post about a nonsensical event involving a nonsensical sky faerie. Of course alf would be exercised about it. The rest are just poking the troll.

  29. Gary, the dangerous infidel says:

    #42-47, you keep harping on the “law of the foreigner” as if it relates to this incident, but it absolutely does not. That rule was made AFTER the children were killed on the original Passover night, and therefore it had nothing to do with the means by which an Egyptian family could have saved its child from death. There’s no scriptural basis that the Egyptians had ANY means to do so.

    Also, for the record, you’re the one that used the word “sacrifice” to describe the lamb and its blood, not me, so stop rebutting things I didn’t say. I called it a “ritualistic animal slaughter and preparation method.” The animal was to be a goat or sheep, unblemished first year male lamb, chosen on the tenth day of the first month. It was to be saved until the 14th day of that month, and then slaughtered at twilight. The lamb was to be roasted by fire, not boiled or raw, and eaten with unleavened bread and with bitter herbs, and the dining attire was to include a belt on one’s waist, sandals on the feet, and a staff in the hand (I presume some of these instructions might only apply to men). And the Passover meal was to be eaten in haste. Does that sound anything like what I called it?

    And concerning another false argument you keep raising, the only children that I have ever claimed suffered were the SIBLINGS of the children your god killed. They had love for their dearly departed brother, and your god used their love for their brother against them to give them the kind of grief that only a family member can experience. That’s the ONLY claim of suffering children that I’ve made, and it seems to be one that you repeatedly ignore as you blather on about your “relocation to heaven” theory, whereby the dead child himself didn’t suffer. Maybe you’ve never suffered the loss of a sibling, so you really can’t empathize, or maybe you’re simply a sociopath.

    As clear as I’ve been on nearly everything I’ve said, I have to assume you either have difficulty reading or you’re purposely misconstruing my words to construct a straw man argument. Time and again, I’ve pointed out the suffering of the innocent FAMILY members and especially the SIBLINGS, because you’ve already decided that the parents were wickedly rebellious and deserved to have their child killed. Not so with the innocent little siblings.

    Killing someone’s sibling is a hateful thing to do.

  30. The Dude says:

    This is ridiculous. People who are superstitious can rationalize any outcome to their favor.


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