That’s what IO9 called If Footmen Tire You, What Will Horses Do?, a bizarre, unintentionally hilarious, weird film from the 70’s.

This 1971 film was directed by exploitation film director Ron Ormond. Prior to surviving a plane crash in 1968, Ormond’s oeuvre consisted mostly of films like the science fiction sleazefests The Monster and the Stripper and Mesa of Lost Women.
[…]
If Footmen Tire You, What Will Horses Do?, which is based on the teachings of the fire-and-brimstone Reverend Estus Pirkle, depicts a United States under the thrall of Communist overlords. This is no flight of fancy, mind you. The film claims that if miniskirts, rock-and-roll, premarital sex, and other forms of secular fun are not replaced by nationwide piousness, the United States will be taken over by a Red fifth column by 1973. Once the Commies are in power, they’ll brainwash us with uncreative chants and uncomfortable benches.




  1. Floyd says:

    Alfie, Christianity unintentionally bashes (and contradicts) itself all the time. I gave up religion (any religion) a long time ago for that reason.

  2. bobbo, junior film buff always looking for quality says:

    Opening sequence reminded me of a good movie I saw last night: “Ride With the Devil” about the Quantril raid on Lawrence Kansas. Solid historically based romance, worth the viewing. I miss the old rating system under which this film would have gotten: 527 Shootings, 1 Tit. I prefer Tits, but thats what makes War so terrible.

    They could have done more with the liberation of Holt the Black Slave who fought against the North, but its just a movie.

    Best line came from a Southerner who knew the South would lose the war because he saw in Lawrence Kansas that the first thing they did, before building a church, was they built a school house and they educated everyone regardless of class or condition. I doubt that, but it was a good line.

    Education interferes with a lot of stupidity such as the film above. Vanity productions are fun in a twisted way if you have the time and actually don’t need to see any tits.

  3. Milo says:

    You’re right Alfred, Dave is soooo desperate to bash Christianity that he pointed out a film made by someone else, who was out to promote Christianity!
    Does logic work in your universe? So to invert this reasoning, Dave is not bashing Christianity if he did not find a film that was made by himself, that was not to promote Christianity?

  4. Cap'nKangaroo says:

    Give Alfie a break. He’ll soon be leaving us when the rapture begins May 21. At least according to this link : http://familyradio.com.

  5. The DON says:

    talk about brainwashing

    lol

  6. So what says:

    #4 That’s why they have religion. As a side note I thought you gave up visiting and posting here because it was a waste of your time.

  7. bobbo, Mr Skin has nutting on me says:

    There is some Tammy Faye lip smacking sensuality at 41:26 but no running mascara. I think Mr Pirkle missed a trick there. The nazi shoot down follows immediately giving this film a rating of 527 Shootings and 0 Tits. I’d say Ride with the Devil is a better film by 1 Tit.

  8. Milo says:

    Alfred, I think that your crtique of what I said might work better if you address something that I said.
    But hey, whatever makes you unhappy!

  9. So what says:

    on January 7th, 2011 at 8:09 am

    “It suddenly occurs to me this blog is a complete waste of time…I spend most of my time responding to the same troll who posts under different usernames to make it appear others agree with him.

    That is a complete waste of my time.”

    So says username Alfred Persson said, Alfred1 said,

    So why bother to visit or post. You are already aware that your comments will be ridiculed and derided as the simple childish spouting they usually are. Your views on religion are well known to the visitors of this page. You state that many of the posters are anti religion Do you really think your proselytizing will in any ways change their minds.

    Granted I find your rants on science rather amusing in their naivete.

    I would think you have better things to do.

    But please don’t go away on my part.

  10. foobar says:

    Dancing is the front door to adultery. Well, duh? Instead of communist suppression I definitely prefer Christian discipline.

  11. wardw says:

    Ah, now I know where the spoken track of Negativland’s song “Christianity is Stupid” on “Escape From Noise” is from. Thanks!

  12. MikeN says:

    > they’ll brainwash us with uncreative chants and uncomfortable benches.

    Yes we can. We are the ones we’ve been waiting for.
    Honda Insight. Public transportation.

  13. Bob says:

    It is so refreshing to listen to your comments Alfred. Our communist lackeys here would like to be left alone to wallow in their ideas that have failed the world over.

    It’s the Christian roots of our founders that gave us this incredible country that has changed the world. We have gone from plowing fields with mules to writing software in 200 some years. We also dragged much of the world along with us. The big government fans would have left us growing tobacco for the British.

    There is more truth in that hour long movie than you’ll ever find in 5 minutes of an Obama speech.

  14. Milo says:

    I call Alfred sock puppet on Bob!

  15. bobbo, the law is what happens whether you like it or not says:

    Bob? Bob? Bob?

    Can you provide the time point in the film that you found so illuminating?

    I mean c’mon man=== 0 Tits! You know what that means don’t you??? There are no tits (Zero-Nada==not even shoulder blades!) shown in this film.

    Why even call this a movie?

  16. foobar says:

    So Bob, I take it you’re not in favor of recreational spanking?

  17. foobar says:

    #21 Milo

    Forehead slap. I think you nailed it. Let me buy you a refreshing beverage!

  18. Uncle Dave says:

    Alfred. That you don’t find it funny is your problem. Others think it is. Perhaps you don’t get humor that isn’t anti-Obama based.

    Have you ever seen Plan 9 From Outer Space? That is a terrible film on pretty much every level. And yet, that’s what makes it enjoyable. You can laugh at the stupidity of it while marveling at how it’s possible something so bad got made.

    This kind of ‘it’s so bad it’s good’ is why the show, Mystery Science Theater 3000, was so enjoyable and was on so long.

    And BTW, how dare you presume to know why I do things like post this video. You make the assumption that the reason I posted it was because of my opinion of religion. As others have mentioned, since it is a pro-Christianity, if anything it should, by your thinking, be something I would make sure NOT to post.

  19. Uncle Dave says:

    And for the record, Alfred, let me state again (despite you probably ignoring this since it doesn’t fit into your world view of me) I think Obama is a terrible president. His actions are so far right-wing, pro-corrupt business (like bankers) loony that it’s frightening at times. He’s no better than the scumbag Republicans in Congress who want to loot our pocketbooks for their friends on Wall Street.

    And, once again for your edification, my politics are essentially this:
    – pro-business with real, but with tough, enforced regulations to prevent harming the public
    – small government (Feds should only deal with foreign affairs and intra-state stuff, plus projects too large for the states like the space program, interstate highways, etc)
    – small military (we shouldn’t be policeman to the world, starting wars for the hell of it, torturing people)
    – Feds should stay out of people’s lives. Ie, no drug laws, morality laws, etc. Leave that to the states. Of course, I also feel government at all levels should stay out of people’s lives as much as possible. That means drug laws only for things like when driving. That means no anti-abortion laws (that should be between patient and doc). No anti-sex related laws for consenting adults. And so on.

    Since these (and others I’m too bored with this to enumerate further) get out of my life and my wallet ideas are not exactly those held by most Democrats, I’ll thank you to stop assuming you know how I think from what I post, because it’s obvious you don’t.

    I am anti-corruption and hypocrisy. Since so much of that seems to come daily from the right, that it is easy to find and post. I will admit the left is working hard in this area, too. Something for them to aspire to, I guess.

  20. foobar says:

    Uncle Dave, for the record I like the way you think. I would vote for you on the recreational spanking platform.

  21. Uncle Dave says:

    And Alfred, since you’ll bring it up, I am in favor of government health care. Not what Obama got which was for his friends in the insurance industry to continue to soak the public. But what a modern society (which we aren’t anymore, compared to the rest of the world) should provide. Everyone is required to pay into a non-profit, non-governmental insurance pool from which doctors are paid. Get rid of private medical insurance and you drastically cut costs.

    Enough. I’m bored with reexplaining myself to you.

  22. foobar says:

    And just for the record, Alfred has made other list moderators and editors lives a living hell.

  23. Stevn says:

    Wow, Obama is a far right president says Uncle Dave.

    No wonder leftwingers are shooting their own congress critters.

    This board is intolerable. John C, try to at least fake some sort of balance. Leftwingers are so soviet era.

  24. Animby says:

    #6 – Cap’n – Hey, thanks for that. Have added it to my agenda. Wish they’d been more specific about the time. I don’t want to start drinking too late or repent too early. Does god work on GMT? I live in Thailand these days – if it starts early, I’ll try to get a message out to you.

    #24 – Foobar – Those do look refreshing. Beer looks good, too. Nice find in #30, too.

    UncDave – I didn’t (won’t) watch a video that long without some good reason. Life is too short. But, thanks, anyway. I’ve enjoyed the thread. I enjoyed reading your “manifesto.” Even though I’m a doctor, I agree with your views on Obamacare. As I’ve stated on this board before, there are so many ways to improve healthcare and Obamacare manages to miss them all.

    Alfie – I think the vicar may have held you down in the baptismal font a little too long (or not long enough?) but – Never go away. You are a constant reminder to us all, a call to vigilance against the forces of unreasoning theism. I love you, brother. See you on May 21st. I’ll save you a beer, or a communion wafer, whatever.

  25. bobbo, the law is what happens whether you like it or not says:

    #36–Alfie==I didn’t read it==who would? but I will ridicule it.

    I didn’t read it, who would?

    Ha, ha.

  26. bobbo, to the left and right, and then more left of Obama says:

    Alfie===

    “Is God willing to prevent evil, but not able?
    Then he is not omnipotent.
    Is he able, but not willing?
    Then he is malevolent
    Is he both able and willing?
    Then whence cometh evil?
    Is he neither able nor willing?
    Then why call him God?”
    – Epicurus

  27. bobbo, the evangelical anti-theist says:

    Holy Crap Alfie==thats one heck of a website you participate in: “Christians Only” wherein atheists can only participate if they are willing to take counseling from the Christian Community. I’d think you ought to at least allow for an atheist group that all you good christians could respond to as you were moved to do so? No? You only want to talk to people who already agree with you?

    Is DU your outreach punishment Alfie?

    “I will never accept Obama is my President.” /// Ummm, is that christian dogma? What chapter and verse?

    Heaviest trafficked question on the atheist thread (aka “Struggles by Non-Christians) is: “Why are atheists considered to be so dishonest?” Seems a lot of ex drug addicts have a lot to say on that question.

    Truly weird.

    Ha, ha. Yeah, puts a whole new sheen on crazy.

  28. DrWally says:

    Aww, now you’ve done it! Poked poor Alfred too hard with your pointed sticks and he vomits up bible verse. Guess that is what he if full of after all. Not his fault really, someone stuffed him full as a child. (Not wanting to leave any room for original thought or imagination — we know where *that* leads…)

  29. Animby says:

    # 40 bobbo “Why are atheists considered to be so dishonest?”

    Always wonder why atheist is confused with amoral. It just ain’t so. Seems to me most wars were started by god-fearing theists of one branch or another. Name an atheist serial killer. Might be some but I can’t think of one right now. Son of Sam talked to his god regularly. I suppose you might say Manson but that’s only because he thought he WAS god. In general, I think a formal study would show that there is approximately the same percentage of atheists who are criminal, insane, gay, mahouts, etc. as religious people with the same descriptors.

    Okay. Might be more Hindu mahouts than atheist mahouts.

    Bobbo – you have my admiration for having the courage to visit Alfie’s links. Aren’t you afraid of contracting the Crown of Worms trojan?

    Alfie – aren’t you being a little disingenuous quoting from Revelation? A lot of people wonder at it’s it’s inclusion in the new testament. It was written by a schizo hermit named John of Patmos, I believe, a couple of hundred years after the rest of the books in the NT. (Patmos being the mountain he called home.) It was written by St John the Apostle though I suspect you thought it was.

    It’s like there isn’t enough insane raving and contradictory information in the mainstream bible but you gotta go and put all your eggs in the basket of a real loon!

  30. bobbo, the evangelical anti-theist says:

    Animby–funny virus name. I did pick something up poking around where I shouldn’t be. Too many links now first open on some other types of websites, not commercial but some kind of aggregated search hub-but if I refresh or go back and click on the desired link a second time, the correct link appears. I don’t know if that is a virus, or a new revenue stream for Firefox or just what. Not quite a Crown of Thorns yet, but it is aggravating.

    I enjoy going to camps of those with different views but I have to say Alfie’s Christian site is very off putting. Puts the challenge to my self image that I accept differing points of view. But, thats the rub, brain dead zombies don’t really have “a point of view,” just their dogma. And the dogma is nuts.

    It is amusing to me how often I catch myself thinking people that disagree with me “must be” kidding in some way. Ha, ha. I’m an idiot. We all really do believe all sorts of things. I really don’t relate well to this variability. The truth is supposed to be universal? Science shows that direction but how much of what drives people is science? Too precious little.

    I thought that subject you linked to the other day thinking it would be good for this blog was a good subject–forget what it was but I thought the same thing when I came across it. I think thats what the sister website here is all about–you can start your own threads there. It should be more popular than it is. Maybe would be if we users knew how to post pictures and what not?

    I really don’t find crazy that interesting.


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