Old stuff, but still funny and worth keeping tacked up next to the phone for emergencies.
1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.
2. If they start out with, “How are you today?” say, “I’m so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems. My arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died . . . ”
3. If they say they’re John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located, how long it has been in business, how many people work there, how they got into this line of work if they are married, how many kids they have, etc. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.
4. This works great if you are male. Telemarketer: “Hi, my name is Judy and I’m with XYZ Company.” You: Wait for a second and with a real husky voice ask, “What are you wearing?”
5. Cry out in surprise, “Judy? Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?” Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where she could know you from.
6. Say “No” over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up.
7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can, “I don’t have any friends, would you be my friend?”
8. If the company cleans rugs, respond: “Can you get out blood? Can you get out goat blood? How about human blood?”
9. After the Telemarketer gives his or her spiel, ask him or her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you can’t just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.
10. Tell the Telemarketer that you work for the same company, and they can’t sell to employees.
11. Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a Telemarketer, set the receiver down, scream, “Oh my God!” and then hang up.
12. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask him/her if he/she will give you his/her home phone number so you can call him/her back. When the Telemarketer explains that telemarketers cannot give out their home numbers say, “I guess you don’t want anyone bothering you at home, right?” The Telemarketer will agree and you say, “Me either!” Hang up.
13. Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.
14. Tell them it is dinner time, but ask if they would please hold. Put them on your speaker phone while you continue to eat at your leisure. Smack your food loudly and continue with your dinner conversation.
15. Tell the Telemarketer you are on “home incarceration” and ask if they could bring you some beer.
16. Ask them to fax the information to you, and make up a number.
17. Tell the Telemarketer, “Okay, I’ll listen to you. But I should probably tell you, I’m not wearing any clothes.”
18. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. “Come on, Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how’s your momma?”
19. Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up . . . louder . . . louder . . .
20. Tell them to talk very slowly, because you want to write every word down.
#1 – True, but not as much fun.
If they ask for the lady of the house put your 3 year old daughter on the phone. This is good for at least 20 minutes of hilarity if you put ’em on speaker. Daughter asks such questions as ‘What’s your name’, ‘how old are you’ and so on.
Funniest line from her: ‘Daddy, that rude man hung up on me!”
I worked as a telemarketer in the past- people that do this sort of stuff are dicks. We don’t ask to work Saturday mornings or during dinner hours. Just ask to be on the Do Not Call List, and they’ll gladly add you- the person you’re speaking to could care less, even with commissions, and will probably be happy to be off the line for the extra minute waiting for the next call to cycle in instead of being dicked around by someone taking their blanket hatred of telemarketers out on them..
This may be less fun. But then, fun with telemarketers??!!?
Say, politely, “please add me to the list of people not to be called again.”
The wording above is important. “Do not call me again” does not work. The reason? Well, there’s a little known law that telemarketing companies must maintain a list of people that request not to be called again. But, the wording really is important. You must ask to be added to the list.
After a few months of doing this religiously, always waiting for the telemarketer to pick up on their end and always asking politely to be added to the list, you will start to notice a decline. I almost never get called anymore.
AT&T used to be the worst. When I asked, they were more than pleasant. The said they have three such lists and asked if I wanted to be added to all of them. I said yes. They did and sent me a letter detailing the 1992 law requiring the maintenance of such lists.
One exception, political parties are exempt from this law. What a shock. They always exempt themselves. They did the same with the bankruptcy laws, which don’t apply to taxes.
I had a friend do this type of work and I learned why there is that delay from when you pick up and they pick up. The system they use automatically calls a new number as that other call ends. So they have to quickly switch over. It’s very important that they make as many calls as possible, thus, if you keep them on the line without any sale, they’re screwed.
At work I tell them I might be interested, then see how long I can keep them on hold. I’ll keep picking up, “Just a few more seconds, can you hold a little longer?” The longest I’ve had one on hold was nearly 10 minutes.
At home I’ll say, “Oh, he’s in the shower.” I keep coming back with new information, “He’s getting dressed, just a second.” “He’s coming down the stairs now, just a second.”
A classic telemarketer prank is this one:
http://youtube.com/watch?v=6Ve21XwzXqs
I got a great laugh from the list. Good stuff. Now, does someone have ant tips on controlling broadcast faxes, other than making a lawyer wealthier?
In the Virgin Islands we had many obnoxious members of the Church of JC of LDS, (better known as the Mormons). I dont have anything particular against Mormons, if they can keep their faith to themselves. A little trick I used for them was when they would come to my door, (after passing 2 No trespassing and 1 vicious attack dog sign), was to show up at the door buck naked and politely invite them in. The look on their faces was the best.
I had a similar thing with the Mormons. I called and got their free book, just out of curiosity. I received the book, and a few weeks later a guy and gal showed up at my front door. Since I’d just gotten out of bed, I was wearing a robe and skivvies.
They asked to come in, I said sure. We sat down at the kitchen table, and they started their spiel.
Meanwhile, I lit up a joint. I asked them if either wanted a pull or two, but they turned me down – how rude.
After a while, I started getting a little giggly and was smiling a lot.
They decided to leave, so I bid them a good day.
Another time, I talked on the phone with a Jehovah’s Witness long enough that she started to question religion. The best line was the question of history. I asked where the proof was of the existence of Jehovah and Jesus and such. She said, “It’s in the bible.”
I pointed out that on 6 of the 7 continents, there were cave paintings and wall carvings, and numerous other examples of UFOs and extraterrestrial life — and they pre-dated the bible. I suggested she do some more historical research and get back to me. She never called back.
#7
That’s my favorite. 😀
11. Yes, #7 is excellent. A must listen.
I dislike telemarketers as much as most people seem to dislike them. I’ve never understood this need to keep them on the phone. More important than wasting their time is you’re wasting your time. Just hang up!
No one does this better than Tom Mabe. See: http://www.tommabe.com/
Click on his albums for samples. Very very funny. I might be a little more sympathetic to telemarketers if I had not been interrupted at dinner so much in the past.
don’t want to be a killjoy here, but the people who place those calls have among the worst indoor-work-no-heavy-lifting jobs there are. a lot of them are also physically handicapped.
give ’em a break – either get on the no-call list or glance at the caller ID and just don’t pick up rather than pick up and act like a dick.
I would support a law that required every one exempt from the no-call lists has to have a real ID turn up on caller ID.
Tom Mabe a comedian had a hilarious routine he used on telemarketers. giv a listen.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=un_PjRXV5l8&mode=related&search=
Yes, those are all quite adequate responses. But how about a whole friggin’ script to follow?
It would be fun just to see how far you could get with some callers.
http://tinyurl.com/y6dg7l
[Editor: Please use tinyurl.com for long urls]
A telemarketer’s physical problems are not my problem. They have interrupted my life even though we are on the no call list. Often they will use pseudo organizations to try to raise money or shill for organizations that will only receive a pittance of the money raised.
If you don’t want to play the game, don’t call me.
A line I often use is to ask if I may record the conversation for “quality purposes”. Most will decline.
13. “I’ve never understood this need to keep them on the phone. More important than wasting their time is you’re wasting your time. Just hang up!”
I guess I didn’t explain myself well in 6. These callers have a quota. They have to make so many calls per hour in proportion to how many actual sales. By keeping them on the phone they’re trapped. They can’t make other calls and they can’t make sales. If that happens enough, they get fired.
Other than buying what they’re selling, quickly hanging up is the BEST thing you can do for them. Once you hang up the system automatically starts dialing the next number and the guy can keep is quota. By keeping him tied up and not buying he’s screwed.
odds are the person on the other end of the line doesn’t personally know you are on the no-call list. report their employer to your State’s Attorney General’s Office.
making life miserable for someone working a shitty, low-paying job is not my idea of fun.
#19 – SN,
You must not have read all of the posts. Or, perhaps you enjoy this game you’re playing. Personally, I think you’re being both mean and self-destructive if you continue this in light of the information in my prior post #5, and that of post #4. Ask to be added to the do not call list for each company.
It’s not the same as the national do not call list. Many telemarketing companies ignore the do not call registry. They do not ignore their own internal list. Ask to be added to their list. Do this religiously for a few months and the calls will taper off. Continue to do so and you will probably get down to about a call or two a year.
It works.
19. “You must not have read all of the posts.”
Correct, I rarely have the time to read every post.
“Or, perhaps you enjoy this game you’re playing.”
Oh yes. I really do.
“Personally, I think you’re being both mean and self-destructive if you continue this in light of the information in my prior post #5, and that of post #4. Ask to be added to the do not call list for each company.”
Personally, I think you’re an idiot.
“It works.”
If it worked, they’d stop calling, and then I couldn’t keep them on hold. Where’s the fun in that?! Like I said, you’re an idiot.
Comment by John Ehrlichman — 4/6/2007 @ 8:36 am
This entire post has just made my day. Lord, help me stop laughing ! I should know better than to sip water while reading here. Time to change shirts again.
Thanks.
SOME “IDIOTS” have a misconception of what a telemarketer is. Calling out of the blue to refinance or to participate in a timeshare presentation is one thing. Alot of phone jobs, like mine, we are actually calling members of a vacationing club with over 3 million members to tell them about travel options. Alot of people answer and act all pissed and butthurt because “we are telemarketers”. Well, I do have a phone job, but we have their phone number and info BECAUSE THEY ARE MEMBERS. As a MEMBER one would expect to be called and informed of member options right? And if you get a call from somewhere familiar, and you are at dinner, just tell the person they can try another day.
Places do not ignore the DNC registry they take it very seriously so I would suggest registering for that at DNC.GOV or whatever if you dont want to recieve telemarketing calls. Other places get your info BECAUSE YOU GAVE IT TO THEM. Wheather it was a flyer you filled out in the mall for a raffle or wheather you checked a box online after submitting info for one thing or another. ALOT OF PLACES I HAVE WORKED FOR LIKE MY JOB NOW, we are calling MEMBERS. PEOPLE WHO ASKED FOR THE INFO OR WANT TO BE INFORMED. Then they act like its a suprise that they are called. Ridiculous.
And for people that think they can keep a person on the phone long enough and that person will get fired because of it, well no, working in enough phone jobs, I can tell you… Most people just quit, but if they do get fired believe me there is another person there the next day. With 6 billion people in the world, its not really hard to find new people to work at a job yanno. And contrary to popular belief alot of these places pay a pretty decent hourly. 12 an hour is a living wage. Not super rich or anything but ok. So wheather you make a sale or not youre getting paid either way. And when they compare your sales, low or high, to your phone time, if they see you are at least TALKING to people for a long period of time and not just burning leads your probably HELPING that person by making them look good.
So you might wanna double check that strategy and I ask anyone who gets calls from a club of theirs or somewhere familiar, that they actually consented to, dont act like OMFG I CANT BELIEVE YOU PPL KEEP CALLING ME. YOU ASKED FOR IT. Dont be an ignorant fuck.
Is there something so hard about going to https://www.donotcall.gov and filling out the form?
#22 – SN,
Oh no oh no oh no … someone on a blog who thinks it’s fun to torture people who, despite laineypie’s comment, probably has a worse job than they do … and this person wants them fired … and called me an idiot … and … and … and … sniffle … and ….Oh wait, I just realized, I don’t give even one rat’s buttock, let alone an entire rat’s ass, what you think.
The list is hilarious, but I have to agree with the Dougs. When you talk to a telemarketer, you are talking to a member of the Working Poor. Causing one to get fired might sever the last thread in their already-miserable existence.
But if someone wants to use this list on a call from a political party, then go for it!
My answer is to use an answering machine. Legitimate callers leave messages.
Thanks to # 7
http://youtube.com/watch?v=6Ve21XwzXqs is hilarious.
One word, Telezapper, (or is that two??)
It plays the tone to the automated dialing system that the number reached is no longer in service. It is a great way to eliminate these calls completely, (well at least from those that use the auto-dialers)
Also never give out your marketing information, all those free drawings, or the worst the discount purchase cards offered by just about every store out there, your marketing information is bought and sold by companies to make extra cash for them (lots of extra cash) in exchange for a few cents off your purchase of an already overpriced product.
I stay away from such nonsense as much as possible.
#24, laineypie
Nope, sorry but you have it wrong. I never asked any “club” to phone me with an offer. You probably got my name because it was purchased on a list. You are some phuckarse stupid to think I have some obligation to you simply because you have my name.
If I had to work a night shift then it sure as hell bugs my butt to be awoken by your “sales call” for something I am totally not interested in. No, I won’t turn off my phone; it could be my boss on the line.
There are a few reviled jobs in society. Repo artists and process servers serve a function. Telemarketers don’t.
#27
Perhaps some are the “working poor” but many are just unimaginative and too lazy to do more demanding work. These people are telespammers are should be treated like the pests they are. My favorite prank has been to comment on the familiarity of their voice and if I manage to get any personal details ie name, place of birth, age etc. , I tell them with the utmost certainty the I am their real father. It’s great fun to hear that momentary lapse of cognition and then they exhale.