Illegal in Florida

The united states of total paranoia

I know Britain is full of incompetent water board officials and stabbed Glaswegians but even so I fell on my knees this morning and kissed the ground, because I’ve just spent three weeks trying to work in America.

It’s known as the land of the free and I’m sure it is if you get up in the morning, go to work in a petrol station, eat nothing but double-egg burgers — with cheese — and take your children to little league. But if you step outside the loop, if you try to do something a bit zany, you will find that you’re in a police state.

You need a permit to do everything in America. You even need a passport to buy a drink. But interestingly you don’t need one if you wish to rent some guns and some bullets. I needed a 50 cal (very big) machinegun. “No problem,” said the man at the shop. “But could you just sign this assuring us that the movie you’re making is not anti-Bush or anti-war.”

Also, you do not need a permit if you want — as I did — to transport a dead cow on the roof of your car through the Florida panhandle. That’s because this is banned by a state law.

Think about that. Someone has gone to all the bother and expense of drawing up a law that means that at some point lots of people were moving dead cows about on their cars. It must have been popular. Fashionable even.

We’ve allowed the Republicans, Democrats and lawyers suck the life out of this once great country. Happy 4th of July!



  1. Frank IBC says:

    From smartalix’s link:

    A massive 83 percent of those questioned said that the United States doesn’t care what the rest of the world thinks.

    That number would have been substantially higher if they had asked Americans the exact same question.

  2. Rob says:

    At this point there just isn’t much POINT in caring what the rest of the world thinks of us any more. Other than ceasing to exist, there is nothing we could do to make them happy. The Bush Administration (which is basically just the worst of American culture given total power and control) has dug us into such a deep hole, and it just keeps on digging and digging…

  3. Uncle Dave says:

    #21: Take a look at the link in #12

  4. malren says:

    Note how SmartAlix’s only contributions are about how bad America is and how awful we all are.

    Very telling.

  5. Thomas says:

    Paying someone to shoot a bunch of guns for an hour or two in a controlled environment is not all the same thing as transporting a dead carcass. Sorry but those two are vastly different.

    Laws do not get on the books by magic. Law is designed to change behavior. The potential for spreading disease by transporting a dead carcass makes it more than a legitimate reason for requiring a permit that says you know WTF you are actually doing and oh by the way, that law enforcement knows that you know WTF you are doing.

    The rest of the world has its collective head in its tookus when it comes to recreational shooting at a range (Come on. These people think soccer is an exciting sport). I’d be far more concerned about some idiot throwing a dead carcass on his roof than I would about some yahoo blowing a couple of hundred dollars in a less than a minute of shooting at a controlled range.

  6. joshua says:

    I read the Times of London daily, and Clarksons articles are always *provocative*. But I think he must have had a hard on for some reason on this trip.
    We all believe that everyone else’s country is a back water, and the British are no exception, especially when it comes to the U.S……their psychy has never recovered from their losing their empire and they take great pride in disparaging the U.S. The U.K. is the most regulated, mass of petty bearucrats I have ever seen. You can’t wipe your butt without someone filming it or watching you. They make us look like free wild and drunken in comparison.

  7. Smartalix says:

    malren,

    Go F*ck yourself. Don’t be a dick.

    I’m a veteran that loves this country. But saying, “my country, right or wrong” is like saying, “my mother, drunk or sober”.

    America is on the wrong track. We have turned into those we used to protect the world from. (Personally, I blame Operation Paperclip.)

    To sit and sing “yes, sir, three bags full”, when the world is going to hell in a handcart becasue the average person can be frigntened into supporting anything is not only moronic, it is being untrue to oneself (unless you honestly like the way things are going).

    Pointing out what is wrong doesn’t mean I do not see what is right. I create far more positive press in my daily activities than anything negative you may infer from my statements anywhere in this forum. But then again, you and your ilk do not know how to address facts, but only to attack the speaker of them.

    Besides, I said something nice about New York City, right? I know you’re conservative, but everybody knows it is a part of the US, no matter how much the Right wishes it wasn’t.

    PS: http://www.smartalix.com/alixguns.JPG

  8. franco says:

    Make fun of america all you want. But please don’t make fun of cheese.

  9. Barrett says:

    It’s not that hard to get your Class III License. Fill out the forms, send them along with a check for 200 dollars, and then wait about a year, then boom! You got your Class III. Most people don’t try to get their class III because an automatic rifle starts at about 25, 000 dollars.

    Visit any firearm web forum; you’ll find several people with Class III licenses.

  10. ECA says:

    20, it is interesting, that the DAIRY assoc. REALLY want syou to eat CHEESe and milk.
    cheese in this country, ISNT that good.
    Milk is also NOT that good, after you KILL IT, and then fortify it AFTER.

    You want REAL taste…
    I DARE YOU, ask for 1/2 cheese on your Pizza.
    You can cover up ALOT of ROTTEN Dough or sause with enough CHEESE. You cant TASTE ANYTHING.
    then, on ALMOST ALL your fast food, ys GOTTA have MORE cheese.
    They have dut back on the AMOUNT of cattle, but MADE more Cheese then anything. This means, you have LESS animals, and MAKE more money, AFTER, you keep it pregnant for 4-6 years, Plugging it FULL of drugs, and meds, and AFTER this time, you kill it.

  11. Benson. says:

    16

    While it’s true that America suffers under the tort industry, “consumer protection” laws and Victorian alcohol laws, somehow Mr. Clarkson doesn’t seem to be bothered by those BBC vans with multiple antennae that come snooping for illegal TV use.

    Comment by Frank IBC — 7/3/2006 @ 6:52 am

    No I doubt he does at all. He is paid by them! The times is only a part time job, a weekly column.

    His main job is a TV presenter on BBC! People not paying there TV license means he doesn get his pay cheque!

    Also he is a very opinionated reporter and tends to take the piss out of anything and everything, including himself. You can read his books and he critizises himself as much as others. And also a very funny man, and witty.

  12. F.K. says:

    Now, I don’t know if anyone’s said this yet, but I’m not reading 43 comments just to be sure.

    Anyways, this law is nothing.

    There’s a law in Idaho or Montana (somewhere up there) that states that “No one shall fish from the back of a camel”.

    I also believe that New York or possibly Orlando has a “No tying-up elephants to parking meters (or fire hydrants, one of the two)” law.

  13. Mike B. says:

    As if the UK has no crazy laws still on the books? Consider the following:

    No cows may be driven down the roadway between 10 AM and 7 PM unless there is prior approval from the Commissioner of Police.

    All English males over the age 14 are to carry out 2 or so hours of longbow practice a week supervised by the local clergy.

    Since 1313, MPs are not allowed to don armor in Parliament.

    A bed may not be hung out of a window.

    Any boy under the age of 10 may not see a naked manequin.

    Picking up abandoned baggage is an act of terrorism.

    ***************************************************************************
    And as to the Class III license: Believe it or not, people make claims on web forums about owning things they do not, much like a high-school locker room. How many people do you *personally* know that own guns? Out of them, how many have this license?

  14. Janey James says:

    As a non- American, I am grateful for people like “Smart Alex” and others who continue to have their opinions aired, whether or not they are mainstreem and whether or not I agree. Didn’t a Soviet (when it was the Soviet Union) ambassador once say that the difference between American propaganda and theirs was that American people believe theirs? At least over the internet, one can still find a range of opinions.

    It’s the anger that we have to watch.

  15. Uncle Dave says:

    Actually, the Russian thing was that the difference between America and Russia is that in Russia, the repression was out in the open.


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