The Eternal Struggle between Man and Animal
(Goat Pictured Is Not the Actual Goat Being Punished by the Brits)

Nobody seems to be concerned about the animal uprising that Gary Larson warned us about. The signs are all about us.

British Army Demotes Goat for Insubordination

[London, June 24, 2006] A British army regiment’s mascot goat was demoted in disgrace after it disrupted a parade before a host of international dignitaries to mark the Queen’s birthday, a military spokesman said Saturday.

The military mascot, a six-year-old male goat called Billy, was downgraded from the rank of lance-corporal to fusilier – the same status as a private – after army chiefs ruled his poor display ruined the ceremony June 16 at a British army base in Episkopi, western Cyprus.

Capt. William Rose, a soldier present at the parade, said the goat “was trying to headbutt the waist and nether regions of the drummers.”

But it gets worse….

Donut-Addicted Dog Blamed for House Fire

[Ridgefield, WA – June 21, 2006] According to Clark County fire investigators, a box of donuts had been left on the stove by the homeowners.

The dog accidentally turned on a burner as it jumped on the stove to get to the donuts. Fire District 11 Capt. Ben Meacham says, “The burner set the box on fire and the fire spread from the kitchen to the attic.”

Fortunately, the dog was uninjured in the incident.

Fortunately my ass!

But wait… here are three more examples from this week’s news:

Cat Attacks Repeatedly, Is Spared Death Penalty

[Bridgeport, CT – June 21, 2006] Lewis the cat was spared the death penalty Tuesday, but he received a life sentence indoors….

Superior Court Judge Patrick Carroll barely had the sentence out of his mouth when Lewis supporters bolted from the crowded Golden Hill Street courtroom, alerting more than a dozen supporters on the courthouse steps.

“Lewis will live! Lewis will live!” they shouted.

Bleeding heart liberals!

Lewis, a 5-year-old longhaired black and white cat, was accused of attacking a half-dozen people on Sunset Circle in Fairfield, including a local Avon saleswoman.

What about the victims’ rights!!

Pelican Hits Windshield, Apparently while Flying under the Influence

[Orange County, CA – June 24, 2006] A California brown pelican probably was intoxicated by a naturally occurring toxin found in algae blooms when she hit the car on the Pacific Coast Highway in Orange County Thursday, wildlife officials said.

The driver was startled, but not hurt. The pelican needed surgery for a broken foot, and also had a gash on its pouch.

The center has received 16 calls of strange bird behavior in the past week, and was holding three other birds found disoriented and wandering through yards and streets.

Damn pelicans! Why won’t somebody DO SOMETHING!!!

Chicken Teriyaki-Seeking Alligator Knocks on Door, Demands Dinner

[Bluffton, SC – June 22, 2006] At first glance, it looks like a crock, like a doctored photo you see on the Internet, but zoologist Ron McGill says alligators with powerful legs and sharp toenails can indeed go vertical.

“It’s very common for gators to climb. I’ve actually seen gators scale 6-7 foot chain link fences better than some cats,” McGill says. “Alligators are very capable of climbing.”

Why did the gator go for the front door? Neighbors suspect the smell of Chicken teriyaki grilling in the backyard.

“Highly doubtful,” McGill says. “It might have been the smell of a female alligator somewhere.”

Yeah, like there was a female alligator inside the house! And as for the possibility of a doctored photo, I’ve seen all the evidence I need.